I will no longer be posting on Tumblr. I haven’t posted for a few months, and I continue to get a half dozen emails a day informing me that I have new followers; I get a dozen messages a week asking me why I haven’t posted in such a long time, so I’m leaving this message to (hopefully) explain and inform.
The past month has been the most beautiful and fulfilling of my life, and it has also been the most difficult and painful.
Two days ago, I got engaged to the love of my life, (the future) Mrs. Cara Rose Griebel, who I met while in treatment (and recovery) for the most severe depressive and suicidal break of my life. In the past 3 months, I’ve been so overwhelmed with love, and comfort, and completion that I have on numerous occasions cried out of happiness, something I had previously thought impossible. I am constantly floored by the depth and strength of the love that I feel for my fiancée; she has allowed me to become a person I had thought I could never be, and I had thought I had lost as a child: Myself. She is the most compassionate and loving person, and her heart is the most wondrous and wonderful thing. I think about our future, about the family that we will one day have, and my own heart is flooded with such unexplainable emotions that I get choked up (as I am now, just writing this). She has brought such peace to my soul and such bliss to my life, I cannot conceive of a minute without her by my side, I cannot create a single image in my head of a future that exists without her. She is my heart, and my soul; she is my midnight moon, and my autumn cemetery. I love her beyond the scope of words.
Two weeks ago, my father passed away after a year-and-a-half-long battle with cancer. It was very sudden, and very shocking. Coping with his death, and the things it entails, has been more difficult than I could have ever conceived. I have to come to terms with the fact that he will never see me truly happy, or married to my love, Cara; he will never see our children, his grandchildren, or hold them in his hands, or play with them; he will never do a lot of things, and I will never get closure on a long and painful chapter of my life. I have a thousand unsaid things I would like to communicate to him, and I will never get the chance. He has left a legacy of pain, and abuse, with the joyous times between hard to see even on the best days. But I still miss him, and love him.
I ended up writing more than I had thought I would, and I guess that it’s because Tumblr was a bizarre haven for me, for a time, when I was mentally at my worst. It was a distraction which allowed me to slowly regress, and allowed me to ignore the growing unease of my mind and emotion, and so in a way, this long-winded message is my bit of closure.
I am not going to delete my account, as I want all of the art I have posted to be available to all to enjoy, but I will no longer be posting, or using Tumblr.
To those I once talked semi-frequently to about art and music and such; it’s been great.